Journal Entry Date: 02/12/2025

              One of my biggest fears since receiving my diagnosis is that I will end up alone due to the stigma of living with schizophrenia. It doesn’t help that I am prone to falling into delusions because of my powerful imagination. The combination of the stigma plus my imagination gives me pause, because I know it will take a lot of work just to get to a place where I feel comfortable putting myself out there to find a partner. I also know it will be even more work (compared to what is “normal”) to maintain a relationship because of my condition. This is where my time at the crisis house came into play. It gave me plenty of time to myself and in that time, I began to research what makes a “quality guy” in terms of dating and relationships. This gave me a glimmer of hope because I recognized some of these in myself. It also gave me goals to aspire to. One of those that stood out most was that a “quality guy” learns from relationships. I used the time I had to myself (and still do in small moments to myself) to think about what I had learned from my past relationship. Through this I took note of my red flags, and what I can do better in my next relationship. It helped me get one more step towards that place where I am confident enough to put myself out there. Unfortunately, I still have moments where I scare myself into thinking I there isn’t anyone out there for me. Last week I looked up the percentage of those with schizophrenia who have functioning long-term relationships. I scared myself even more by calculating my odds (in terms of the world population) of being in a functioning long-term relationship. I was so scared of my chances that it brought me to tears. It was at this moment I found what an amorous relationship means to me. Finding that relationship is my hope against hope. I know I am willing to put in the work to get to where I can make an amorous relationship work, so I will find that relationship. It took me the next day to reframe my odds. I reminded myself of a movie quote one of my college professors (when I was studying film and theater) used in terms of facing small odds. The quote is from the movie Dumb and Dumber in which a character is told his odds are one in a billion to which he responds, “You’re saying there is a chance”. If my odds are not zero, I know I have a chance. It took me accepting this fear to work through it. It took being afraid to find the courage to change my outlook. I know I will find her. Until then I just need to keep going one step at a time.